365

[38]

Hampir sepuluh minggu berlalu
perasaan yang dulu masih terbuku
dan puisi puisi lama yang sengaja dibeku

untuk satu hari ini 

ingatan buatmu muncul lagi
atas jangka pendek yang kita lalui
dan segalanya tidak di hargai

mudah
kerana 365 hari itu palsu
kau takkan mampu terus terus menipu
tentang hati-hati yang kau kumpul mengikut nafsu

kini
abjad berbentuk nama kamu
tidak mahu lagi aku imbas

tiada baitku manis-manis lagi
cukuplah sampai di sini

aku cuma mahu tunggu sehingga waktu itu
tatkala kau berhenti mengait hati hati rapuh itu
yang kondisinya sama seperti aku

macam dulu

Kau di sana

ada yang jatuh cinta pada kecantikan
ada yang jatuh cinta pada banyaknya kejayaan

namun aku boleh jatuh cinta hanya dengan kejujuran
yang bukan di lakon-lakon kan

moga kau di luar sana
lebih jujur pada Tuhan

Seperti sebelumnya

[37]

seperti lewat malam sebelumnya
aku masih congakkan tentang kita
jalan penuh curiga
dan tanda tanya

seperti beberapa purnama sebelumnya
adakah kita masih sama
menyembunyikan rasa ingin
meluahkan rasa yang terikat lain

seperti sekarang dan sebelumnya
lewat bicara kita

apa mungkin selamanya
atau kekal cuma sementara

Self-sabotage

السلام عليكم

It's has been awhile since my last blogged in. I'm already done with my Diploma in Acountancy. It's really a hectic years for me. Kinda busy mingled and studied with housemates and classmates for three years haha. I'll update pictures of em' soon.  I just hope I can excel well in this semester and score with the help of Allah, my beloved abah mak, family and of course friends.

Do you ever feel you wanna something turn out just like what you currently thought? Sigh. (God, save me!) I just don't get it, how people can hide their feeling infront of family, friends and all peoples. I wanna write something, but i just don't know how and where to start on. luls

Nantilah

One single change can bring about a total change. 

001 Craps

never lies to someone who trust you
never trust someone who lies to you

You knew what you were doing and you knew it would hurt me, but somehow, that still didn't stop you. The only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you used to intentionally hurt someone. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

source: tumblr

Even when your heart is breaking, you should smile. And some may think that it's bad to hide your feelings, but I think that pain should only be felt for a short amount of time. Happiness should out number it every day, every way. I wonder what you're doing right now and if you're okay. I hope you are. I wonder if you have trouble sleeping 'cause you're thinking too much and if you're sad. I hope you're not. I wonder if you think of me, miss me, and also wonder. I hope you do. All I want is a place to call my own and mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone.

I wish I could smoke a million cigarettes and not eat for a week to make the people around me worry and call you and tell you that I'm not doing so fine after all. Make sense? haha

source: tumblr

And all the while I say too much of what I think, and I can't remember what it's like to find meaning in anything for the life of me. Everyone I used to know, says they don't know what I've become, but I'm still the same; not much has changed, I still know where I came from. And all I ever wanted was so far from what I need. I'll write my songs, they'll sing along, and hope time heals everything. So I looked back on us today. I don't know why I missed you, why I wanted you back.


I spent hours, days, even months of our relationship worrying about who you might leave me for because there was always someone better than me. 
It was like poison slowly seeping through
 my body, infecting every possible organ, finally
 getting to my brain, telling me that this was it. This was the end. We weren't having fun anymore, and that's what you wanted right? I knew it was over before you said it, sweetheart.

source: tumblr

Because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can't sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can't keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return. I still wish there was somethin' you would do or say to try and make me change my mind and stay. 

I'm the kids who trying hard to be good enough for everyone; who spend hours reading random quotes to find the right one; who listen to the same song dozens of times because the lyrics mean a lot; who deserve so much more than they get and are willing to fight for it and whose wish upon a shooting star was wasted on someone that will never care.

im not emotional =,="

till then

xoxo

Be different

Bismillah.

This lately..

Few things happen. Ada yang terkesan dalam diri, yang mungkin salah aku sendiri. Tapi aku lagi suka pandang dari beberapa cara. Satu, mungkin aku yang tak sensitif. Dua, mungkin aku tak ikhlas dalam menegur orang lain. Tiga, kita tak boleh paksa orang fikir dengan cara kita fikir. Empat, being too public mungkin tak sesuai dengan diri aku.

Matlamat hidup yang berbeza, di besarkan cara berbeza, didikan yang berbeza. Dan aku suka jadi berbeza, lain dari yang lain. Tak sama dengan yang lain. Tapi sikit pun aku tak lupa siapa aku dulu, berapa proses yang dah aku lalui, berapa stage untuk aku sampai tahap fikiran macam ni. Dan cara berfikir ini mungkin akan berubah lagi day by day..

Bukan aku tak pernah buat dosa, bukan aku tak pernah freehair, bukan aku tak pernah menipu. Bukannya aku dilahirkan terus-terus pakai tudung, terus-terus tutup semua aurat. Banyak lagi yang bukannya aku tak pernah buat. Bukannya aku datang dari sekolah agama, yang tak pernah fall in love, yang tak pernah tinggal solat. Aku pun sama macam semua, sama atau mungkin lebih teruk, maybe? So tak perlulah expect perubahan kecil ini boleh padam dosa lampau, perubahan kecil ini menjadikan aku tak ubah seperti ustazah. Perubahan ini kerana ada yang menyedarkan, kerana mak abah, kerana keluarga, kerana family dan kerana future family.

Sesetengah orang mungkin kenal aku sebagai pendiam, tapi berapa orang yang tahu betapa aku struggle dari tak berhenti bercakap untuk elakkan bercakap. Sesetengah orang yang mungkin kenal aku kononnya sebagai lemah lembut pemalu dengan lelaki, tapi berapa orang yang tahu dulu pegang ketua platun, bergaul dengan lelaki macam perempuan perempuan lain satu camp. Dan berapa orang yang tahu sejak bila dan kenapa aku mula sarkastik? 

You know my name, but not my story kan?

Dan banyak lagi yang mungkin di sangka atau tak di sangka. 

So don't expecting me too much because I'm not that much.

I'm still me, being me. How time flies and changing me and my family.

Work for your future, instead of crying about the past. Bit by bit, Lillahitaala.

Happy belated birthday to me. 23/09

Separuh masa

23 dan 25
1993 dan 1995
beza cuma dua angka
beza yang mengikat hati kita

Senyum-tawa, hujan tepi mata
cursing each other - terlalu biasa
sampai aku tak tahu erti terasa
sikit pun tak terkesan bisa

Ikatan bukan kerana terpaksa
tapi wujud kerana cinta
kerna kita hadir dari rahim yang sama

Cebisan-cebisan memori
sentiasa di hati
aku tak pernah lupa

kerna cuma kau yang aku ada
sebagai adinda aku sepenuh masa

18tahun
kau masih kekal sebagai adinda kecil aku
sampai akhir waktu
yang akan aku protect selagi aku mampu
kalau boleh dari semua kumbang-kumbang palsu
supaya kau takkan pernah rasa tertipu

previously, sama macam aku

Selamat Hari Lahir - 18